The Tricky Business of Moms and Daugthers

 

It took me becoming a mother to fully appreciate my mom. And that's something I've always felt bad about. The truth is, my mom has always been amazing, even when I was young and selfish and couldn't see it. I wish I had told her that more when she was a young mom working her butt off.

Being a single mom is really fucking hard. My mom raised me on her own, and it wasn't until I was doing it on my own that I realized just how hard it is. People will tell you how hard it will be, but you don't really understand until it happens to you. 

Have you ever heard of "Mom Guilt"? I didn't know what it was until I became a mother. It's basically your inner voice telling you that, no matter how hard you try, you are constantly falling short of being a good parent. That guilt never leaves you. Not even when your kids are older. It pains me now to know that my mom ever questioned her abilities as a parent. I hate knowing that she ever worried that she wasn't doing a good enough job. The truth is, she was doing the work of both mom and dad, and she kicked ass at it.

My mom had to pull double duty to make up for my dad being MIA and she did it without ever complaining. She worked two and three jobs to make ends meet. She sacrificed things she wanted for herself to make sure I had everything I needed. She always put me first, no matter what. I hope that when my daughters are old enough, they realize that I did the same for the both of them.

We're told that women can have it all, but can we really? In my opinion, no we cannot. If you have a career and spend your days outside of the home, you are missing everything going on at home with your kids. You're missing out on milestones and playtime. You're missing out on trips to the park and snuggle time. If you are a stay-at-home mom, you are missing out on having a life outside of the house, not to mention missing out on interactions with other adults. You're missing out on having something to call your own, that you don't have to share with anyone else. The truth is that no matter how hard you try, you just can't have it all.

I have always worked full-time outside of the house. Since my girls were infants, I've been spending 12 hours a day at work and commuting. I missed out on so many things. But I did what needed to be done. There was no way we could live on just one income. I carry so much guilt with me for how many things I missed out on when my kids were younger. I hope that when they become mothers themselves, that they finally understand.

While I was going through my divorce, I constantly worried about making ends meet. I had never lived on my own, and now with two daughters, I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do it. I didn't let the fear stop me, though. It's been almost 5 years and I'm proud to say that I'm still making it work. Somehow, I figured it out. Like my mom did, I have sacrificed so many things to make sure my kids were well taken care of. That's what we do, right? As moms, we do whatever it takes. My girls are 15 and 18 now and I don't expect them to understand or recognize how hard it has been for me. But I know that someday they will. It will probably take them becoming mothers to fully get it, but they'll get there. 

In the meantime, I will keep busting my ass. I will keep showing up for my kids every day, like my mom did. I will do whatever it takes, just like she did.