The Harsh Truth of Living with Depression

The sun is now setting at 6:42 pm and I can feel the darkness creeping in. I know that six-ish months of dark and gloomy days are coming, and my brain is already feeling it. I wanted to stay in bed and sleep the day away, but that would just make things worse. I would end up feeling guilty for wasting the day and then beat myself up over it.

Instead, I got up and got dressed, made the bed and folded laundry. I drank my coffee and forced myself to go to the gym. Having been in this exact place many times, I know that I have to force myself to do normal things so that the darkness doesn't take over. As much as I might not want to get up and work out or do laundry or write, I have to force myself to do it. I almost always feel better afterwards.

As alone as I might feel, I know it’s just my brain playing tricks on me. As ugly and gross and fat as I might feel, I know those things aren’t really true. This disease plays the cruelest tricks on you. It tells me that I am hard to love. It tells me that I don't deserve to be happy. It tells me that I would be better off dead. So, I continue to fight.

I will be especially gentle with myself. I will give myself the space to rest if I get too tired. I will cry if I need to cry. I will make sure to tell my loved ones how I'm feeling so they don't worry if they don't hear from me for a day or two. I know that if things get really bad, I can pick up the phone and call my mom or a friend to help me.

I wanted to quickly mention that around this time of year, I start using a light box. My psychiatrist recommended it to me about five years ago, and it is a game-changer. You use it for 30 minutes every day. The light tricks your brain into thinking it's sunshine, so your body produces enough vitamin d, which is helpful in combatting depression. Here is the one that I use: Therapy Light.

Life is already hard enough as it is. My heart goes out to all of the people who are suffering in silence. I see you and I feel your pain. Please know that even though you feel alone, you aren't. Please take care of your mental health the same as you would your physical health. Reach out to someone if you need help. 💗